Dear Baby, I'm Watching Over You

So.

I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown today.

No, that's not sarcasm, that's not me exaggerating a bit to get a chuckle.

I'm serious. Im so serious I wish I wasn't.

In my life I have had challenges. Some were tough but I got through ok. My latest challenge I "knew" was going to be really tough.

Well, really tough doesn't quite describe just how hard I realized my situation is about to become.

Here's why.

I'm deploying. My time has come to go overseas. To do what I signed up for. Something that makes me filled with pride to finally have the opportunity to do.

All weekend my unit was being trained on all the various topics to give us the best "heads up" to prepare for our deployment. Ways to get our family prepared, ways to interact with the other cultures, and all the soldierly skills in connection with the Geneva Convention.

Let me just say this. I AM FULLY aware I want this. I AM FULLY aware of all the benefits that will come my way as a result of this assignment.

It was a simple concept, train up, leave my daughter in the best of hands and go off and do what I always knew I had to do eventually.

So as I was filling out paperwork during a presentation today, there was a block that asked for this:

 MOBILIZATION DATE:_______________________(DD/MM/YYYY)

and we got the date....and I wrote it down. (I won't be sharing what that date is....I assume you all understand why)

And then this huge lump started filling up in my throat,

my eyes started to well up, 

and I started to shake, that nervous shake that one does with their legs....and the tears began to pour...and as the presentation went on, 

I sat there in my seat, 

wiping away tears that were overflowing,

biting my tongue, and clenched my teeth to keep from letting out any sound,

and quietly cried to myself.

The countdown has begun.

THIS IS REAL, THIS IS HAPPENING.

In X amount of months and days, I will be on an airplane to someplace VERY VERY FAR from my baby..

MY.

LITTLE.

GIRL.

My head filled with all these thoughts of waking up in the morning to her little feet pitter pattering into my room to wake me up for oatmeal.  The days full of random kisses, hugs and "I LOVE YOU MOMMY"s.

My little two year old, the improvements she makes with her words, her alphabet and her numbers. And then I realized that I will be gone for

A YEAR 

A WHOLE YEAR.

An entire year without her kisses, without her cute little arms wrapped around my neck for the hugs she loves to give. I will have to go a year without holding my baby.

and she will go a WHOLE year without her mommy. No kisses from Mommy, no huggies, no kisses on the booboo's, no birthdays.

and when we see each other, we will be a whole year older, a year of growth and changes.

Then the real hurtful thoughts come in,

Will she remember me?

When I come home after being away, if I reach out to her, will she reach out for me?

What if she DOESN'T??!!

Thinking about this, it absolutely SHATTERS my heart. It hurts SO MUCH.

I don't want our bond to break, deteriorate, NONE OF it...

I KNOW.

I  KNOW she's only two, but this little girl is so intelligent, the last time I left it was for three months and it took quite a while for her to really be ok around me again.  It was almost as if she was making me pay back for leaving her for such a long time.

Three months. What happens after TWELVE??

This is what caught me off guard today. Are you asking why think about this now, not sooner?  I have! Plenty of times.  I KNOW I am not the FIRST and I will NOT be the last mother to leave their child behind to serve their country.  And "logistically" I have been making every arrangement to make sure that everything goes as smoothly as possible.

• My daughter has her closest relatives, to watch over her and continue to raise her a well-mannered, healthy girl.
• My income will be even better while deployed so she will definitely not go without!
• We are absolutely blessed to be in an age with an amazing amount of technology to rely on! The internet, SKYPE, at the very least I can send home pictures and gifts and record videos to send.
• The Army does their best to provide for the family's needs as while while the Mothers/Fathers are deployed.

These things do lend some comfort,

But I experienced a level of clarity that made for a wake-up call to realize true emotions. And I have to be glad, that God revealed this to me now, because I couldn't imagine having this all come about after I have already left.

I consider it a blessing to know this now, it buys me time to prepare us even better. Because from now until the day I leave I intend to,

smother her with smooches,

 and endless hugs, 

there will definitely be more occasions for quality time and there will be more pictures of her WITH mommy in FRONT of the camera!!!

More pictures like these,

 I intend to make a collage for her room with these pictures, some will have me in my civilian clothes, some in my uniform.  Hopefully this can bring up a dialog with my mother and her, so she can begin to understand why Mommy isn't home and what she is doing in that far away place.

We will make videos together, so she can watch them while I am away. The army even makes these plush dolls that look like soldiers with a vinyl pocket on the head so that a picture of the loved one can be put in, offering another way for the child(ren) to cope with the absence of their mothers, fathers, sisters, or brothers. I really hope she gets on of those..

Books, there ARE books for children of deploying/deployed MOTHERS....one book I am interested in shares the title of my post, and I hope that it is another way to help my young daughter understand why I'm gone, and that just because I left does NOT mean I don't love her with every bit of my heart.

There is a lot out there, and she will be taken care of, and now that I have been graced with this opportunity to do more for her, then maybe, just maybe I may feel better.

Don't get me wrong. I still feel like I have been punched in the gut.  It still hurts and maybe I am not over my breakdown just yet, but something at this level of seriousness, isn't going to go away overnight. Who knows, it may go away and come back....I can't even imagine what I will feel one I take my seat on that plane...

on take off....

and from there....

but regardless I have decided to focus on several things...(and this is really personal)

My daughter, she is my everything, and as much as it kills me to be away, she is the reason why it is SO important that I need to succeed in everything I do over there.

I have a renewed and now strengthening faith in God and what he is capable of, with LOTS of prayers, and a bible to read, I know my faith will help get me by,

and this blog.

I have made so many friends in all of you, I appreciate the links I've made through it, and through Facebook in conjunction with everything Heavenly Blossoms. I have read your writings, your blog posts, you have shared with me (and readers) so much, I have been blessed to have regular dialog with many of you beyond that. So I look forward to continuing communications with you all, and posting regularly in the coming months in preparation and while I am away. It will be yet another form of therapy I will desperately need.

And as far as that goes, it already feels a little better to share this.  Maybe there is someone out there about to go through the same thing, maybe somehow I hope that I made someone feel less alone in this situation, maybe there's someone out there who has been through this in which case I would completely welcome some sound advice!

Thank you so much for hearing me out...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For any of you interested in the books, here is a link to the list of books where I found a few that I would like to get for my family.

http://www.operationwearehere.com/ChildrenBooks.html

Where I find comfort when I am NOT with my daughter.

I'm in Pennsylvania right now on Army time. I am training for a new job in the Army, something like an IT Technician.  So at this point I have been away from my daughter for  24 days, and just a few days ago, got notice that instead of staying until Nov. 17, I will be staying until the end of DECEMBER!! See, I'm not all that far from where I live, at most it is a 2 hour drive. But the Army has mileage limits and well, where I live is WAAYYY beyond that. So seeing her isn't exactly easy.

About two weeks ago, give or take a day, my little one got to see Yo Gabba Gabba Live! back home. Where I wasn't.

What was I doing?

I was having a rough day, well, when i let it sink in, it gets tough.  REALLY TOUGH, like how can I go on.  Of the things that truly cheer me up its that I love seeing her happy.  There is a huge brightness in her eyes, she GLOWS.

MY...BABY....SPARKLES.

Her dad sent me a picture of her during that concert.  Man...... I was instantly SLAMMED with all of these emotions. I immediately felt this big lump in my throat, but I also felt so overjoyed by her beautiful, precious face, covered in genuine excitement at seeing her FAVORITE characters live and in-person.

I can't help but let out this HUGE sigh....

and maybe a few tears...

I miss her so much, I really do.  She is such a beautiful being. Children are so amazing.  She is at a great time in her life, she has no worries, she is constantly around people who love her unconditionally.  Even though I am sad that I am away from her, I am really happy that she is surrounded by so much happiness.  

Yet, as a mommy, I cannot help but worry about the things that I feel that are out of my control. 

I still worry about things like:

 ~Will she get enough attention?

 ~Will someone make sure to try and keep a smile on her little face? (yes I know this is impossible she is nearing 2 after all, but yes....that smile is everything to me.)

 ~Even when she is mad, I hope that no one gives her a reason to be sad, that her feelings aren't hurt.

I keep telling myself that its only been about 3 weeks. But at the first week I was already feeling the pain of being away.

I start to think about how I could ever handle the 2 MONTHS that I have left!

I even begin to think how will I be able to handle one month? What about one YEAR when I deploy?

Then I get lost in that and I'm flooded with thoughts about what she will do while I am gone, how old she'll be when I return and what I will miss.....

cute little Halloween costumes

Christmas HUGS

New Years KISSES

Then I have to reel myself back in....because its NOT that serious!! Not yet anyhow.  I have no reason to worry, she is in amazing care.  She is doing FUN things, smiling, laughing and enjoying her time. 

That in itself is a good reason for me to calm down to find comfort(even though while typing this, I'm doing some serious tearing up)!

I can't deny that.  After all I am in the Army, I have taken an oath and I am obliged to uphold that. Which means that I have to do this here. THIS, is where I NEED to be, this is why my family is where THEY are. I am NO good here if all my attention is not where it needs to be which is my training.  It's amazing that my family pulls through, thats what its about.

I am constantly reminding myself not to feel bad/guilty no matter how often those feelings keep creeping into my heart.   

Mommas.....we CANNOT feel guilty when what we must do for our children takes us away from time to time.  It opens the doors for better bonding.

Bonding with Daddy,

                                    or Grandma,

                                                          Aunts or Uncles.......

Maybe this is also a time for us. A time to (re)bond with OURSELVES. 

Because as good as it feels to be around our babies 24/7, its very important for us mommies to make use of the time we have with ourselves. "Me" time if you will.

So in the time that I smile at her photos  and laugh (or cry) watching her baby videos, I remind myslef that she is ok, MORE than ok, she's JUST FINE.

And I take that free time I have and treat myself to better nights of sleep, more focus on my studies and focusing my goals with a clear head for Heavenly Blossoms, my spirit, my faith, and redefining my role as a mother. Which in the end result WILL be the best for my daughter.

Just remember mommas (and even you daddies)  that it will ALL PAY OFF as it is ALL OUT OF LOVE!!!!

Being an Army Mommy & Grateful Daughter

Cleaning, cooking, crafting, and getting my new business to stand up, playing games with my little one (we are working on colors & shapes), and now packing...

                             PACKING??

YES, because I am leaving.

In just a few VERY SHORT days, I will be heading out to Pennsylvania for 47 days to train up in a new MOS. That means I am changing military jobs and I will pretty much be cutoff from my daughter for the duration of that time.  I won't return until NOVEMBER!!


Anxious?

     Yes.

Worried?

     Of course!

And missing her will be a huge guarantee.

But its gonna be ok, because while I am gone and her dad is working long hours, she will be in great hands....

Grandma's hands...

She's gonna kill me for putting her picture up!

My mom will be flying in tomorrow from Puerto Rico. She's will be watching the baby while I go off and play Army.  Unfortunately, I won't even be around tomorrow to see her come in since I will be working extra days with my unit to make a little extra cash (and boy do we need it).

Fifteen years ago, when I was just a teenager, like most teenagers, I didn't really appreciate my mom as I should have. Talk to me then and I just SWORE I was just misunderstood.  

Boy, was I wrong.

My mom was always doing the right things by us.  She was always present for our extracurricular activities whether it was a school musical, a wrestling match for my brother, or the many football games in which she helped us raise money in the concession stands for the High School band we both played in.  

( I wish I had some pictures to show you guys but they were in a family members basement and were destroyed when the water heater exploded)

She put the pressure on us to keep our grades up, and made sure what we knew were privileges instead of entitlements. She was the good guy, and the bad guy. 

She was all of that and more, and I can honestly say that I would never have understood that level of dedication and love until I became a parent.

She's supported us in everything we set our hearts on.

Turns out she was the one who was misunderstood, 

BY ME.

I understand the meaning now of "I do it because I love you".

The best news about that is that once I had  my own baby, that didn't change, she still does, and my little HB gets some of that unconditional love too.

So she is dropping everything she has going on in PR and coming down to New Jersey for over a month and a half for us. I can't ask for more. 

It means a lot to me and I am so happy that they can catch up on all the lost time (they haven't seen each other since February). 

Isn't it amazing what a mother will do for their child?

About Heavenly Blossoms

Welcome to Heavenly Blossoms, my blog,
where I write about experiences that come with mommyhood, army life, and crafting in my somewhere in the middle of all of that!

I'm a single mommy, a soldier and now a blogger.

The concept of sharing my personal life had me uneasy at first.  However, in the world of blogging I have come to know so many of you out there,

JUST. LIKE. ME.

Many of you are SO open about your lives, sharing the intimate details of motherhood, home life, and your amazing talents. Your posts read like a best friend just catching up with you about their day, it's comfortable and refreshing, finding things in common.

Because I have been so lucky, I want to share too. I want to be able to provide here  what others have unknowingly done for me!

Being a mommy now, it is a full days work crammed into 24 short hours, am I right? Sometimes its easy breezy....and then there are those days that make you want to lock yourself in the bedroom and pull down the shades needless to say....a tad challenging! 

But how many of us can say that we are glad that is all we have to worry about? 

           Anyone? Bueller? 

Riiight.... 

            women have multiple titles, housekeeper, nurse, therapist, motivational speaker, cook, and for many other women out there you can add protectors of our country's freedom to that.  We are natural born multi-taskers.

For the days where I reap in the rewards of these titles and the days where I just don't quite make my goal this is where I go to share it all!

                                                            THIS is why I am here.

For you military mommas, I also look forward to sharing with you how I cope with the moments where being a soldier HAS to come first.  I want to be there for the mommas who are new to the military and the military women who will be new to being a momma.  I also really hope to hear from you all as well.  I know that you Army/Air Force/Marine/Navy/Coast Guard mommas are out there, and its times like this that every bit of advice can go a long way for all of us :)

My reason for this is that my daughter is my heavenly blossom, everyday I am blessed with little tidbits of love and happiness because of her.  I learn to see beauty in unexpected situations. Even if my day or week has been rough and yes even if she may have something to do with it, she is my secret ingredient to making it all better.

I want to pay that forward, I want other mommies from all walks of life to come here, to find relief, a few smiles and even a little bit of laughter; heavenly blossoms if you will, to make your day a little better, a little brighter, and to help you find the beauty in life....



So whatever it is that brought you here today,  I hope you found it helpful, and yet I hope you return for more.  These Heavenly Blossoms are for you and I hope they do for you as my little Heavenly Blossom has done for me!

Thank you!

Jenny