I'm in Pennsylvania right now on Army time. I am training for a new job in the Army, something like an IT Technician. So at this point I have been away from my daughter for 24 days, and just a few days ago, got notice that instead of staying until Nov. 17, I will be staying until the end of DECEMBER!! See, I'm not all that far from where I live, at most it is a 2 hour drive. But the Army has mileage limits and well, where I live is WAAYYY beyond that. So seeing her isn't exactly easy.
About two weeks ago, give or take a day, my little one got to see Yo Gabba Gabba Live! back home. Where I wasn't.
What was I doing?
I was having a rough day, well, when i let it sink in, it gets tough. REALLY TOUGH, like how can I go on. Of the things that truly cheer me up its that I love seeing her happy. There is a huge brightness in her eyes, she GLOWS.
Her dad sent me a picture of her during that concert. Man...... I was instantly SLAMMED with all of these emotions. I immediately felt this big lump in my throat, but I also felt so overjoyed by her beautiful, precious face, covered in genuine excitement at seeing her FAVORITE characters live and in-person.
I can't help but let out this HUGE sigh....
and maybe a few tears...
I miss her so much, I really do. She is such a beautiful being. Children are so amazing. She is at a great time in her life, she has no worries, she is constantly around people who love her unconditionally. Even though I am sad that I am away from her, I am really happy that she is surrounded by so much happiness.
Yet, as a mommy, I cannot help but worry about the things that I feel that are out of my control.
I still worry about things like:
~Will she get enough attention?
~Will someone make sure to try and keep a smile on her little face? (yes I know this is impossible she is nearing 2 after all, but yes....that smile is everything to me.)
~Even when she is mad, I hope that no one gives her a reason to be sad, that her feelings aren't hurt.
I keep telling myself that its only been about 3 weeks. But at the first week I was already feeling the pain of being away.
I start to think about how I could ever handle the 2 MONTHS that I have left!
I even begin to think how will I be able to handle one month? What about one YEAR when I deploy?
Then I get lost in that and I'm flooded with thoughts about what she will do while I am gone, how old she'll be when I return and what I will miss.....
cute little Halloween costumes
New Years KISSES
Then I have to reel myself back in....because its NOT that serious!! Not yet anyhow. I have no reason to worry, she is in amazing care. She is doing FUN things, smiling, laughing and enjoying her time.
That in itself is a good reason for me to calm down to find comfort(even though while typing this, I'm doing some serious tearing up)!
I can't deny that. After all I am in the Army, I have taken an oath and I am obliged to uphold that. Which means that I have to do this here. THIS, is where I NEED to be, this is why my family is where THEY are. I am NO good here if all my attention is not where it needs to be which is my training. It's amazing that my family pulls through, thats what its about.
I am constantly reminding myself not to feel bad/guilty no matter how often those feelings keep creeping into my heart.
Mommas.....we CANNOT feel guilty when what we must do for our children takes us away from time to time. It opens the doors for better bonding.
Bonding with Daddy,
Aunts or Uncles.......
Maybe this is also a time for us. A time to (re)bond with OURSELVES.
Because as good as it feels to be around our babies 24/7, its very important for us mommies to make use of the time we have with ourselves. "Me" time if you will.
So in the time that I smile at her photos and laugh (or cry) watching her baby videos, I remind myslef that she is ok, MORE than ok, she's JUST FINE.
And I take that free time I have and treat myself to better nights of sleep, more focus on my studies and focusing my goals with a clear head for Heavenly Blossoms, my spirit, my faith, and redefining my role as a mother. Which in the end result WILL be the best for my daughter.
Just remember mommas (and even you daddies) that it will ALL PAY OFF as it is ALL OUT OF LOVE!!!!