I was on the verge of an emotional breakdown today.
No, that's not sarcasm, that's not me exaggerating a bit to get a chuckle.
I'm serious. Im so serious I wish I wasn't.
In my life I have had challenges. Some were tough but I got through ok. My latest challenge I "knew" was going to be really tough.
Well, really tough doesn't quite describe just how hard I realized my situation is about to become.
I'm deploying. My time has come to go overseas. To do what I signed up for. Something that makes me filled with pride to finally have the opportunity to do.
All weekend my unit was being trained on all the various topics to give us the best "heads up" to prepare for our deployment. Ways to get our family prepared, ways to interact with the other cultures, and all the soldierly skills in connection with the Geneva Convention.
Let me just say this. I AM FULLY aware I want this. I AM FULLY aware of all the benefits that will come my way as a result of this assignment.
It was a simple concept, train up, leave my daughter in the best of hands and go off and do what I always knew I had to do eventually.
So as I was filling out paperwork during a presentation today, there was a block that asked for this:
and we got the date....and I wrote it down. (I won't be sharing what that date is....I assume you all understand why)
And then this huge lump started filling up in my throat,
my eyes started to well up,
and I started to shake, that nervous shake that one does with their legs....and the tears began to pour...and as the presentation went on,
I sat there in my seat,
wiping away tears that were overflowing,
biting my tongue, and clenched my teeth to keep from letting out any sound,
and quietly cried to myself.
The countdown has begun.
THIS IS REAL, THIS IS HAPPENING.
In X amount of months and days, I will be on an airplane to someplace VERY VERY FAR from my baby..
My head filled with all these thoughts of waking up in the morning to her little feet pitter pattering into my room to wake me up for oatmeal. The days full of random kisses, hugs and "I LOVE YOU MOMMY"s.
My little two year old, the improvements she makes with her words, her alphabet and her numbers. And then I realized that I will be gone for
A WHOLE YEAR.
An entire year without her kisses, without her cute little arms wrapped around my neck for the hugs she loves to give. I will have to go a year without holding my baby.
and she will go a WHOLE year without her mommy. No kisses from Mommy, no huggies, no kisses on the booboo's, no birthdays.
and when we see each other, we will be a whole year older, a year of growth and changes.
Then the real hurtful thoughts come in,
Will she remember me?
When I come home after being away, if I reach out to her, will she reach out for me?
What if she DOESN'T??!!
Thinking about this, it absolutely SHATTERS my heart. It hurts SO MUCH.
I don't want our bond to break, deteriorate, NONE OF it...
I KNOW she's only two, but this little girl is so intelligent, the last time I left it was for three months and it took quite a while for her to really be ok around me again. It was almost as if she was making me pay back for leaving her for such a long time.
Three months. What happens after TWELVE??
This is what caught me off guard today. Are you asking why think about this now, not sooner? I have! Plenty of times. I KNOW I am not the FIRST and I will NOT be the last mother to leave their child behind to serve their country. And "logistically" I have been making every arrangement to make sure that everything goes as smoothly as possible.
- My daughter has her closest relatives, to watch over her and continue to raise her a well-mannered, healthy girl.
- My income will be even better while deployed so she will definitely not go without!
- We are absolutely blessed to be in an age with an amazing amount of technology to rely on! The internet, SKYPE, at the very least I can send home pictures and gifts and record videos to send.
- The Army does their best to provide for the family's needs as while while the Mothers/Fathers are deployed.
These things do lend some comfort,
But I experienced a level of clarity that made for a wake-up call to realize true emotions. And I have to be glad, that God revealed this to me now, because I couldn't imagine having this all come about after I have already left.
I consider it a blessing to know this now, it buys me time to prepare us even better. Because from now until the day I leave I intend to,
smother her with smooches,
and endless hugs,
there will definitely be more occasions for quality time and there will be more pictures of her WITH mommy in FRONT of the camera!!!
More pictures like these,
I intend to make a collage for her room with these pictures, some will have me in my civilian clothes, some in my uniform. Hopefully this can bring up a dialog with my mother and her, so she can begin to understand why Mommy isn't home and what she is doing in that far away place.
We will make videos together, so she can watch them while I am away. The army even makes these plush dolls that look like soldiers with a vinyl pocket on the head so that a picture of the loved one can be put in, offering another way for the child(ren) to cope with the absence of their mothers, fathers, sisters, or brothers. I really hope she gets on of those..
Books, there ARE books for children of deploying/deployed MOTHERS....one book I am interested in shares the title of my post, and I hope that it is another way to help my young daughter understand why I'm gone, and that just because I left does NOT mean I don't love her with every bit of my heart.
There is a lot out there, and she will be taken care of, and now that I have been graced with this opportunity to do more for her, then maybe, just maybe I may feel better.
Don't get me wrong. I still feel like I have been punched in the gut. It still hurts and maybe I am not over my breakdown just yet, but something at this level of seriousness, isn't going to go away overnight. Who knows, it may go away and come back....I can't even imagine what I will feel one I take my seat on that plane...
on take off....
and from there....
but regardless I have decided to focus on several things...(and this is really personal)
My daughter, she is my everything, and as much as it kills me to be away, she is the reason why it is SO important that I need to succeed in everything I do over there.
I have a renewed and now strengthening faith in God and what he is capable of, with LOTS of prayers, and a bible to read, I know my faith will help get me by,
and this blog.
I have made so many friends in all of you, I appreciate the links I've made through it, and through Facebook in conjunction with everything Heavenly Blossoms. I have read your writings, your blog posts, you have shared with me (and readers) so much, I have been blessed to have regular dialog with many of you beyond that. So I look forward to continuing communications with you all, and posting regularly in the coming months in preparation and while I am away. It will be yet another form of therapy I will desperately need.
And as far as that goes, it already feels a little better to share this. Maybe there is someone out there about to go through the same thing, maybe somehow I hope that I made someone feel less alone in this situation, maybe there's someone out there who has been through this in which case I would completely welcome some sound advice!
Thank you so much for hearing me out...
For any of you interested in the books, here is a link to the list of books where I found a few that I would like to get for my family.